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As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.

Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently causing significant heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Each individual's sexual journey varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the value of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.

• The psychotherapist is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.